The Science of Undergarments

On a recent pre-summer getaway trip, I wandered into Marks & Spencer in Mall of the Emirates. Just browsing, I was hoping to pick up the ‘in between’ summer and winter clothes that might cover the changeable weather back in Ireland. I flicked through pastel tops and floral skirts; cropped trousers and Bermuda shorts. With 3 munchkins in tow, shopping is never fun unless it potentially revolves around them. Shelving all ideas of completing my summer wardrobe (who am I kidding?, I mean, starting my summer 2015 collection!), I made a beeline for the kids’ section.

Choosing the path of least resistance to the children’s department (i.e., the path where DS1 and DS2 were deprived of any opportunity to play ‘hide and seek’ amongst long, flowing skirts and hobo dresses), our ‘as the crow flies’ detour took us through the lingerie department. Surrounded by sheer, shiny-ness, I couldn’t help but pause to admire the vast array of delicate, sexy undergarments on display.

Slowing to almost a crawl (much to the disgust of my Munchkins who were more intent on standing in the cinema line to purchase Jurassic World tickets!), I was practically drooling at the beautiful bras that looked like they could make any woman feel like they looked like Eva Herzigova in the days of her ‘Hello Boys’ advert (I accept that is going back quite some time….but since the arrival of my beloved Munchkins, the only undergarments on my radar have been maternity bras and those offering super firm support!)

Well, it is just amazing, and actually mind boggling how the ‘boulder holder’ industry has transformed. What was once a ‘choose-size-in-comfy-cotton-with-an-embroidered-daisy-on-the-strap’ has been catapulted into what feels like a world where one requires some sort of university degree to even begin to comprehend the terms with which I was faced.

Stunned and flummoxed (yes, at the same time) at the range of upper undergarments on offer, I tried to make sense of it all.

The following are the names of Bras from a well known UK shop….along with my interpretation of what those names suggest to those of us still stuck in the days of Madonna’s conical bra extravaganzas…..

High Apex Padded Balcony – DS1 races karts. Apex is something to do with turning corners. I watch him from a Balcony. Padded???? Am hoping that refers to the tyre padding on the side of the track that cushions any potential crashes……
Moulded Smoothy Pull Up – Leave out the last two words and I am sipping on a not-so-nice-green-kale smoothie
Sling Strapless – Am reminded of a ‘Singapore Sling’ cocktail…..could this be its younger sibling????
High Impact Eco non-Wired Sports – My brain has been fried by this one….women with big boobies wearing unsupportive yet ethically sourced bras?
Textured – Who benefits from this???
Perfect Fit Memory Foam – Something invented by NASA
Post Surgery – Would never have entered my mind….but think it’s an amazing idea.
Multiway – having lived in Dubai for a number of years, this could be a multi car pile up.
Crossover – Again, having lived in Dubai for a number of years, this sounds like an illegal move across a 6 lane highway!
Push Up Plunge – Something to finally clean the toilet without much effort????
T – Steak? Pain? Mr.?
Smoothy Vanishing Back – Honestly? NO IDEA!
Minimiser – I wish!
Sumptuously Soft Plunge – a delicate waterfall?

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